The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, “Well little lady, why don’t you go on and give it a try?”The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot ‘gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead ‘gators, all lying belly up.The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

She’s such a bitch…..

“What’s up?” she asks.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she’s dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, “Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley’s hiding in your closet, and she’s got no clothes on!”

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

“You rotten Witch”, she screams. “My husband’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!”

It’s fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress.  What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.  I can’t say it improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.  Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday.  I don’t have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Tom’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

“Of course. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father.”

The directions are clear!

Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money  and buy everything they need: a  tower, an elastic cord, insurance,  etc.

They travel to  Mexico and begin to  set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins  to assemble.  Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at  work

When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it  would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Alice jumps.

She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank  notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, Frank  isn’t able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up  again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding.

Again, Frank misses  her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up — she’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost  unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and  says,  “What happened? Was the cord too long?”

Barely able to  speak, Alice gasps, “No, the Bungee cord was fine…it was the crowd!….What  the fuck is a piñata?!”

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months and months. One day one of the nurses was in her room giving her a sponge bath. When she was washing her private area the nurse noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her down there. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, “As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of this coma.”

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that it was worth a try and they’d close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room.

After a few minutes the woman’s alarm on the monitor went off, it flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room.  “What happened!?” they cried.

The husband said, “I’m not sure….maybe she choked?